1.
i am
interested in furthering the discourse on reality, but first i
would love
it if you let me showcase this ak-47 i made out of origami
and it isn't
a violence thing i swear - i saw a documentary about a guy
scamming
twenty teenagers into paying thousands to go to a fake football college
and it is
simply the American Dream broadcasted into the stratosphere
to believe
in yourself so much that it makes you suicidal
i decided to
become a better version of myself last summer and
by that i
mean i am broke and looking for a roommate at this shooting range
bullet
casings closet i live in
at the
outskirts of Ohio.
what is
everyone up to these days what's
cool and
important
other than
the blood
behind the door?
2.
I'M
PRACTICING SEMEN RETENTION AT THE BACK OF THE CLUB
DON'T LOOK
AT ME!
I'M WEARING
A TASTEFUL LITTLE JACKET TO COURT TOMORROW I WANT TO
LOOK LIKE A
GUY WHO'S HOPEFUL ABOUT THE RESULT OF HIS KIDS' CUSTODY CASE
A FEW WEEKS
AGO, MY BLOODSHOT GAZE ZERO'D IN ON THE BACK OF THIS GUY ON THE TREADMILL IN
FRONT OF ME.
HE WAS
WEARING A T-SHIRT THAT LOOKED LIKE CUSTOM MERCHANDISE
FOR A
TIMESHARE IN FLORIDA
GOD, SHARON
WOULD NEVER LET ME HAVE SHIT LIKE THAT,
BUT SHE
COULD NOT STOP ME FROM BUYING TECHWEAR TRENCHCOATS
FROM
INCREASINGLY DISRESPUTABLE EBAY SELLERS.
I APPEAR IN
FRONT OF THE JUDGE TODAY LOOKING SHARP,
MY LAWYER
BEGS ME NOT TO SPEAK DURING THE PROCEEDINGS.
I CANNOT
STOP MYSELF FROM MUTTERING OUT,
“Woe unto
you, ye souls depraved
Hope
nevermore to look upon the heavens;
I come to
lead you to the other shore,
To the
eternal shades in heat and frost."
THE JUDGE,
WHOM I RESPECTED UNTIL HE DECIDED TO ENGAGE WITH ME IN A KINETIC MANNER,
ASKED ME TO
REPEAT WHAT I HAD SAID UNDER MY BREATH
I SAID, I AM
QUOTING FROM DANTE'S INFERNO,
INTRODUCING
CHARON - THE BOATSMAN OF THE DAMNED SOULS OF HELL!
I AM TOLD TO
REFRAIN FROM SPEAKING UP AGAIN.
OF COURSE,
EVERY MAN IN MY POSITION IS AN ISLAND.
UNLIKE YOU
ALL, I DEFEATED THE FIERY EYED CHARON AT LEAST FIVE TIMES
DURING MY
ALL ACHIEVEMENT RUN OF DANTE'S INFERNO ON MY XBOX 360.
I OFFER ONE
LAST GESTURE OF RESPECT TO THE JUDGE
ON MY WAY
OUT THE DOOR
BY PULLING
MY LEFT HAND IN A SWIFT MILITARY-STYLE SALUTE.
BEFORE I
COULD DECIDE WHETHER HE WAS INTO IT OR NOT,
THE TEN
STRAPS AND CARABINERS ATTACHED TO MY TECHWEAR COAT SLEEVE
GET CAUGHT
ON THE DOOR HANDLE, PULLING ME TO THE GROUND.
AS I SCREAM
IN TERROR, I AM BESIEGED BY VISIONS OF VIRGIL'S
TEDIOUS
UNSKIPPABLE DIALOGUE AFTER HE GIVES DANTE THE ATTACK ABILITY
TO DO A
SPIN-KICK THAT SPLITS CHARON'S FACE IN HALF:
"Charon
the demon, with the eyes of glede,
Beckoning to
them, collects them all together,
Beats with
his oar whoever lags behind."
3. YOU ARE THE KING – you
are certain that your court jesters want you dead
SIRE, YOUR CHEST CAVES IN AT ODD
ANGLES
AND WE KNOW THE BEST ONE HURTS THE MOST
(INTERNALLY) WE WOULD CLAW OUR WAY IN
NO INVITATION NEEDED TO THE FEAST,
WE
CLAIM OWNERSHIP OF YOUR FLESHY GUTS.
WHAT LIVES UNDER THOSE ROYAL INSIDES?
LET US COUNT THEM OUT FOR YOU, MY KING
AH – A SINGLE WYRM WIGGLES INSIDE YOUR
INTESTINES…
TWO CROOKED RIBS ON EACH SIDE, A
PULSING HEART SPECKLED WITH BLACK
THREE MICE CRAWL OUT OF EACH OF OUR
CHECKERED, FLUFFY SLEEVES AND LAND
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
CORPSE’S
BATTLEFIELD – OUR DEEPEST APOLOGIZIES,
THE BETS WE ARE MAKING ON WHO IS
WINNING THE
PAW TO PAW COMBAT ARE NOT INDICATIVE OF
THE HOUSE BANNER OF CHIVALRY.
BUT WE TWIST YOUR FLAILING ARMS AS THE
RODENTS
SKITTER AND DEVOUR DIVINE SUSTENANCE.
DO NOT MOVE, DEAR KING
LET US EXTRACT THE PAIN, EXTOL YOUR
SINS.
SHALL WE TIE A JAUNTY RIBBON MADE OF
INTENSTINE SILK?
PIERCE THE MIDDLE WITH A SHARP RIB
CHUNK,
JESTER COMPANION. IGNORE THE SCREAMS
FROM UNDER
THE BEJEWELED CROWN.
AH – HOW DECORATED DO YOU FEEL NOW,
WARRIOR-KING?
THE MICE CIRCLE YOUR BLACKENED HEART,
THEIR TAILS DANCING.
Oh for all the mercies in God’s Land,
just put the fucking hat on.
Forget the fact that you woke up
tied to your throne, a great sword’s tip
aimed at your forehead.
Yes, once the hat is on, the chimes will become
more bearable. They ring out in protest, but
you get used
to the humiliation.
Dimana Radoeva is professionally unemployed and working on a game about Beowulf that is also about the internet (CHURL). She just bought an electronic piano from Facebook Marketplace for 70$.
