my
illness progresses at the same time my dog is aging. her proprioception falters
the
same way as mine and we both have trouble with stairs. we are dizzy and
unbalanced
and
i spend hours at the vet clinic holding her while the doctor takes swabs and we
debate
the
merits of various medications. we hold each other. she touches her nose to my
leg
when
i water the garden in the evenings, a mooring.
my
thoughts form as i move through the day. i think of words and phrases, even
sentences
and
paragraphs. i envision what they look like when they are on the page. i take
pleasure in creating visions and imagine others reading, astounded by beauty.
then
i sit and attempt to pull the threads from brain to blank space and the letters
take
a
life of their own. they spill and regurgitate themselves as though feeding baby
birds.
they
make no sense and cause a sharp pain in the forehead, just above the left
eyebrow.
the
birds are loud and altered. they shift and waver in a form of language that
flutters
above
my head, a kind of shuddering.
i
wanted to write about this altering and how it meant being alone. how lives
moved on and
mine halted. it is as though i am kept on a small homestead; four walls, a
garden, the sky. when it rains i keep close watch on the gutters. when the heat
stays too long i keep blinds closed and plants hydrated. i forget to take
vitamins and wander the house in early morning fog.
but
the dog is happy because i am always there.
the
dog sleeps beside me now, unable to navigate the leap from floor to cushion on
her own.
we
are lost together. fixtures.
Trisia Eddy Woods is a writer, artist, and wildlife photographer who lives in Edmonton / amiskwaciwâskahikan. Her writing has been published in a variety of journals, both in print and online, and the chapbook ‘Edith & Aurelia: A Romantic Tragedy in Five Acts’ was published by dancing girl press. She has had artwork exhibited both at home and internationally. Her current project explores the intersection of wild horses and solastalgia in the Alberta foothills.
