I abstract blue curves
on a chart of abysses
labyrinthian sorrows
of nightmares and the
reasons I left a marriage
I was trapped in
from youth
to middle-age
now I live high up
where ice shines
in the sun and
drips and sings
me to sleep as it
pebbles the window
here bodies
of water are skaters’ frozen
rivers, distant
arias slipping
through the city
but I still
remember that first smoky
taste of Goldeye
sold by the side of
the road en route
to Gimli, Manitoba
where the in-laws
built a rustic
winter cabin
without indoor
plumbing
near Lake Winnipeg
I’m gawky
long limbed
nineteen out of place
shy and clumsy
beet red in the dark
as I stumble after midnight
past the snores
and rye bottles
and discarded cards
from canasta games
to the outhouse
in long johns and boots
and a winter coat
pissing into the dark
embarrassed by the clots
of blood that thunked
into the air-freshened
hollow the rusted
stains I left
on the wood seat
winters were bloody
messes as in Ginger Snaps
when I was a werewolf
bitch to my boyfriend
later husband then ex
then ghost
I became a veteran
blood letter oceans of
mood swings had me howling
at the moon nights I spent
in pain curled up
with hot water bottle
over my privates
red-eyed and angry
I don’t miss it now
I jump around
with other
old ladies early mornings
at the Plant Bath down the
street then have triple shot dirty chai
lattes, placid but fucking fearless
a lake of colour a body of smooth
water maybe I regret that I was an
unknown sea to the ex
in response to Maggie Hambling, Winter, 2018
The title is taken from Maggi Hambling: ‘The sea is sort of inside me now … [and] it’s as if she has become a wave’
The poem is part of Winter Light, Winter Dark, a section of a long poem collection in progress entitled Winter, An Epic, in which a woman tries to cope with her anxieties through making connections between winter and art.
Amanda Earl (she/her) lives on the unceded territory of the Algonquin Anishinaabeg Peoples, colonially known as Ottawa, Ontario CANADA. A writer, publisher, reviewer, community facilitator, promoter, activist, editor and mentor with over twenty years of engagement and experience, Earl offers editing and consulting services in prose, poetry, visual poetry and hybrid work. She is an author with multiple works published, including SOCIALLY AWKWARD GHOST (above/ground press, 2025). Earl is the managing editor of Bywords.ca and the editor of Judith: Women Making Visual Poetry. Earl and her husband are offering one-off, creative collaborations as part of their Creatively Yours project. Earl creates so that kindred misfits do not feel alone. Earl is grateful for funding from the City of Ottawa. Read Earl’s Substack: Amanda Thru the Looking Glass. More info here.